Untitled Idiocy
by Morrigan the Nightmare Queen
Summary: The D/C fights Squall and Zell, sings a Team Rocket song and makes anime references. No plot, and no attempt at one either. R/R please.


Author's Note: This ficlet does not even attempt to be comprehensive. Please treat it as what it is- raw idiocy, unsullied by a plot or any characterization.  
Disclaimers: I don't own Team Rocket, the D/C, or anything else in this fic. Please don't sue me.  
  
  
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It was a nice, normal, post-Ultimecia day in Fisherman's Horizon- at least, for the former Disciplinary Committee, who were busy catching fish for dinner. That is, it WAS nice and normal, until Squall and his friends dropped in for some SeeD mission, saw the D/C on the dock, and automatically decided to fight them.  
  
"Almasy!" Squall snarled, drawing Lionheart and staring angrily at the posse, who had just been busy hauling in a particularly vicious trout. "Stand up and fight, damn you!"   
"Fuck," Seifer snarled under his breath. "They just gotta beat the shit out of us every time we cross paths in the goddamn street, don't they?"  
  
"RULES, UNIVERSE," Fujin replied, double-checking her junctions. Pain, Death, Zombie, Bio, Doom, Blind, Silence . . . yep. Gods, she loved status magic. "MAYBE, THIS TIME, DIFFERENT?"  
  
"Fat fuckin' chance, Fuusama." (Damn, I'm good. Nice alliteration job there, Almasy.) "They always manage to kick our asses- and badly, too. Aura-Meltdown-Renzokuken- yeah, REAL innovative strategy, Leonfart!"  
  
"Shut up and fight," Squall growled, aiming his gunblade at them. Behind him, Zell tensed up and began throwing practice punches into the air. Seifer gritted his teeth- damn, that was so annoying! "I don't know what the hell you're plotting now, Almasy, but I don't want to be on the receiving end of any more of your insipid schemes!"  
  
The blonde Knight in question was thoroughly confused by this remark. "Plotting? Schemes? The hell you talking about? I haven't been doing anything, just standing on the-"  
  
"FIGHT DAMMIT!"  
  
Boss Battle: Posse!  
SEIFER used GF Summon: IFRIT!  
HELLFIRE!  
IFRIT does 5602 damage to ZELL!  
SQUALL cast TRIPLE on ZELL!  
ZELL cast CURAGA on himself!  
ZELL cast AURA on SQUALL!  
ZELL cast MELTDOWN on SEIFER!  
MELTDOWN does 2300 damage to SEIFER!  
VITALITY 0%!  
RAIJIN cast TRIPLE on SEIFER!  
FUJIN attacked SQUALL!  
FUJIN does 7720 damage to SQUALL!  
FUJIN'S attack cast ZOMBIE on SQUALL!  
LIFE 0%!   
  
"Hold on a second!" Seifer lowered Hyperion and squinted up at the gray box hovering in midair. "Life, zero percent for Leonhart? Fuusama, I thought you cast Zombie, not Scan."  
  
"Shut up!" Squall snarled. Being undead was making him even more irritable than usual.   
  
SEIFER cast CURA on himself!  
SEIFER cast BLIND on ZELL!  
SEIFER cast APOCALYPSE on SQUALL!  
APOCALYPSE does 9999 damage to SQUALL!  
SQUALL is KOed!  
ZELL cast FULL-LIFE on SQUALL!  
SQUALL used GF Summon: BILL CLINTON!  
DENY EVERYTHING!  
BILL CLINTON does 6666 damage to ALL TARGETS!  
RAIJIN DEFENDS!  
FUJIN DEFENDS!  
SEIFER WONDERS WHY THE HELL HIS POSSE IS WIMPING OUT ON HIM and uses GF Summon: IFRIT!  
HELLFIRE!  
IFRIT does 2 damage to SQUALL!  
ZELL uses GF Summon: SCHWARZENEGGER!  
TERMINATION!  
SCHWARZENEGGER does 3332 damage to ALL TARGETS!  
SQUALL uses RENZOKUKEN!  
LION HEART!  
LION HEART does 5000 damage to RAIJIN!  
RAIJIN is KOed!  
FUJIN attacked SQUALL!  
FUJIN'S attack casts ZOMBIE on SQUALL!  
MISS!  
SEIFER used FULL-LIFE on RAIJIN!  
SEIFER used CURAGA on himself!  
SEIFER used CURAGA on FUJIN!  
ZELL used GF Summon: HARE KRISHNA!  
RAM BABA RAM!  
HARE KRISHNA casts all status ailments!  
HARE KRISHNA does 9999 damage to ALL TARGETS!  
SEIFER is defeated!  
FUJIN is defeated!  
RAIJIN is defeated!  
Da da da da, dada, dada da . . .  
  
"Well," Raijin observed as the triumphant 'heroes' walked away, congratulating each other on a victory over the villainous Disciplinary Committee. "They beat us, I guess. Hey, don't look at me like that, ya know? It's not like we're hopeless."  
  
"Yeah, right." Seifer muttered. "Bullshit, Raij, and you know it."  
  
"Says you, ya know? We're all cool people, ya know? We can all do neat stuff- we've just got lousy luck, ya know?"  
  
Seifer snorted. "Maybe each of us can do something- maybe. Together, we're a fucking failure. What's this posse good for, anyway? What can we do?!"  
Raijin thought for a moment. Suddenly, his face brightened. "I got it, ya know!" He said. "We're like those guys from Pokemon, ya know? Team Rocket, ya know?"  
"And how in hell am I like a cartoon villain, dumbass?" The blonde snapped. Seifer really, really, really didn't like the comparison that Raijin was making.  
"We're really alike, ya know?" Raijin continued, unaware of their leader's dangerously short temper-fuse. "You're James, an' Fusama's Jessie 'cuz there's a lotta unresolved- unresolved- unresolved watchamacallit between you two. Ya know, the thing Fuu told me about the mommy and daddy chocobos, ya know?"  
"RAGE!" Fujin's pale face was bright red now. "TENSION, NEGATIVE! RUMOR!"  
"An' I get t'be Meowth, 'cuz I'm always jokin' an' you guys say I talk funny anyway, ya know . . ." the dark-skinned man rushed ahead, anxious now to get the explanation over with and his shins out of danger. "But anyway, I say we're all like Team Rocket, 'cuz we always screw up, ya know? And then in the next episode we always come back all patched up and healthy, ya know? No wounds or nothin.'"  
Tango music started to creep into the background, but none of the posse gave a shit. They knew what was coming.  
"An' like Team Rocket . . . we're the best at being bad, ya know?"  
  
RAIJIN:  
We're the best at being the worst!  
We're statistically number-one  
  
SEIFER:  
Yeah, a hundred percent  
  
FUJIN:  
INCOMPETENT!  
  
RAIJIN:  
Hey- that's never been done!  
We're very good at being very bad  
It's our rate of success that's sadly been weak  
  
FUJIN:  
JUST, SELF, ACCEPT  
  
SEIFER:  
We're completely inept!  
  
RAIJIN:  
That's what makes us so unique!  
  
SEIFER:   
We're the Hindenburgs of crime  
  
FUJIN:  
CRASH, BURN, EVERY SINGLE TIME  
  
SEIFER:  
Masters of disaster-  
  
FUJIN:  
NONE, SCREW UP, FASTER!  
  
BOTH:  
Hey! At failure, we shine!  
We're an imperfect ten  
  
ALL:  
The posse's beaten up again  
So I guess we're just cursed-  
  
RAIJIN:  
And you heard it here first-  
  
ALL:  
We're the best at being the worst!  
  
SEIFER:  
Who'd guess we'd get so far  
By being completely sub-par  
  
FUJIN:  
AS LOSERS, RAISED, BAR  
  
BOTH:  
Now we're superstars!  
  
(Seifer and Fujin tango while Raijin attempts to serenade . . . and he's actually not bad at it, either.)  
  
ALL:  
We're the best and being the worst  
  
FUJIN:  
COMING IN LAST, SELVES ALWAYS FIRST  
  
SEIFER:  
Our flaws are top drawer-  
  
RAIJIN:   
We define Murphy's Law!  
  
ALL:  
We're the best at being the worst  
We're totally immersed  
And incredibly well-versed  
We're the best at being the worst! 


End file.
